The Shinobi's Guide to Camping
by Kaori
Summary: This story picks up directly after where The Shinobi's Guide to Television left off. Once again we tumble down the rabbit hole of depravity! The Third Guide.
1. Chapter 1

Hello mother, hello father. Here I am at Camp Grenada. Camp is very entertaining. And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining…

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

"With all due respect, Hokage-sama," Shino said quietly, shocking the hell out of everyone else. "I think we could use a break." Tsunade recovered quickly.

"I suppose it is somewhat cruel of me to be assigning you all another mission so soon after your last one." She mused. "Very well, then. You all have the week off."

"Yay!" cheered Lee, Naruto, Ino, Sakura, and Kiba. Sasuke rolled his eyes at the childish display, Neji pretended not to ogle TenTen (who was wearing a pair of shorts today instead of her usual pants), TenTen was pretending not to notice Neji ogling her, Chouji stuffed his face with chips, and Shikamaru continued to look at the clouds from the window. The preoccupied twelve didn't notice the jounins giving each other sneaky glances.

"I'm glad you're all so happy. Dismissed." The jounins rounded up their students and herded them towards one of the practice area.

"All right." Kurenai clapped her hands together. "Since we all have a week free of missions we have decided that we're going to have a little outing."

"Are we going out of the village?" asked Naruto, excited.

"Yes." said Kakashi, his visible eye curving.

"Really!" Ino was intrigued. Her team had never gone on missions outside the village. The one where they had to paint the eastern gate didn't count. "What are we going to be doing?"

"It is an exercise in trust and bonding!" Gai was all fired up and Lee was soon to follow his lead.

"In that case! I cannot wait!"

"It will be a test of skills, stamina, and intestinal fortitude!" This hooked Neji, Kiba, Sasuke, and Naruto. "A chance to prove one's worthiness!" Sakura and Ino glared at each other; here was an opportunity to impress Sasuke. "We're going…" he paused for dramatic effect. "camping!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ah yes, the dreaded camping experience. What will befall our heroes? Those of you who know the perils of the outdoors probably have a good idea but hang around and see something may surprise you!


	2. Chapter 2

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong." – George Carlin

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

"Camping! Camping! Camping!" Lee sang as he strolled through the streets dragging two duffle bags and Hyuuga Neji behind him. Yes, that's right, Rock Lee was dragging _the_ Hyuuga Neji who simply fumed and glared at the world in general.

As undignified as this seems, in Neji's mind, being dragged to a camping trip was for more dignified than going willingly; especially when you didn't want to.

Both were on the way to TenTen's house so they could walk or, in Neji's case, be dragged to the meeting place.

Surprisingly, TenTen was waiting for them outside of her house. When Neji shot her an "et tu Brute" glare she merely gave an "it's not like I have anything better to do" shrug. Lee was oblivious to all of this and continued to drag Neji along with TenTen by his side.

Team 8 spent the better part of the morning convincing Hiashi that Hinata would be perfectly safe going camping, that Neji was not going to murder her in her tent, or be abducted by brigands who would rape her and hold her for ransom. Actually, Kurenai did all that. Kiba, Shino, and Hinata were just amazed that the head of the Hyuuga family could be so paranoid.

Asuma and Chouji (under Asuma's orders) literally had to drag Ino out of her house kicking and screaming. Shikamaru just watched with an amused expression on his face. He had gone through a similar ordeal with his mother earlier minus the carrying on. There was a liberal use of shadow jutsus though…

Team 7 was by far the most difficult of the bunch. Kakashi was always harping on and on to them about teamwork and then they pick the worst times (for him anyway) to apply the lesson. The trio decided they weren't going camping without a fight and conspired to gang up on their sensei and force him to recant. It probably would've worked too if Tsunade (who was using Sarutobi's old crystal ball to watch) decided to send an ANBU in to break it up.

The real horror show began once the teams encountered Gai.

"What the hell are you wearing!" Kurenai demanded as she and everyone else (sans Lee who was in complete awe and Kakashi who instantly whipped out Icha Icha Violence to shield his eyes with) tried desperately to look somewhere other than directly at the jounin.

Gai was clad in green kurze lederhosen (the short ones) with an orange shirt underneath, brown hiking boots, and a hat with a feather in it.

"Isn't it spiffy!" Gai gave them all a thumbs up sign.

"Gai-sensei is so cool!" sighed Lee. Next to him, Neji and TenTen gagged.

"Lee my faithful student! I would not forget you! Behold! Lederhosen for all the boys!" Naruto, Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru, Shino, Sasuke, and Neji balked.

"My students will not be seen in such atrocities." Hissed Kurenai.

"Same for mine." Agreed Asuma.

"For shame, my comrades…" Gai was about to expound upon the merits of the outfit when Kakashi interrupted him.

"I bet you can't get Sasuke and Naruto to wear it." He said, turning the page of his book. Naruto, Sasuke, Ino, and Sakura looked horrified.

"My rival, is that a challenge?" there was a very scary glint in Gai's eyes. Kakashi nodded.

"WHAT THE HELL!" screamed Naruto.

"If I win, you have to by me the next book in the Icha Icha series." The silver-haired jounin stated.

"Yosh! And if I win you will also have to wear lederhosen!" declared the bowl-cut man. There was a brief pause before Kakashi gave his answer.

"Deal."

From a distance, the scene that followed could easily have been mistaken for anything but what it actually was. Arms and legs were everywhere, clothes were flying, and there was a lot of grunting, panting, and cursing. Several people passing by got serious nosebleeds especially after Naruto pulled out one of his trump cards…

"HAREM NO JUTSU!"

All the males in the area immediately passed out from rapid blood loss. Naruto, transformed back and was immediately assaulted by three enraged females. Hinata, got over her shock, and started preparing the bandages.

"I win." Kakashi said the moment he regained consciousness.

"You are an ass Kakashi." Growled Sasuke.

"Mou, why are you so mean to me, Sasuke?"

"Shut up, some of us are trying to sleep." Muttered Shikamaru. Kurenai rolled her eyes.

"Well, now that we're all awake, and satisfied from inflicting bodily harm on Naruto, shall we be on our way?" Several groans were her reply. "Groaning will be taken as a sign of assent."

So they all hefted their bags onto their shoulders and headed out towards the campgrounds. Gai had decided that simply walking to the camping site wasn't any fun so he forced everyone to march. Of course, you can't march along in complete silence so Kiba and Naruto decided to sing.

"Gennins from the Leaf are we,  
All are missions rated D.  
Fixing roofs and weeding grass  
Being gennins sure sucks ass!"

"Sound off!" called Naruto.

"One, two!" cheered Kiba, Akamaru joining in.

"Sound off!"

"Three, four!" surprisingly, Ino and Sakura joined in. "One, two, three four. One, two. Three four!"

"Ah youth!" sighed Gai wiping a tear from his eye. "I fear the day when for me, youth will be impossible."

"Fear not Gai-sensei for you are still in the spring time of your youth!" Lee said confidently.

"How nice of you to say so Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"STOPPIT!" twitched Sasuke. "Isn't it bad enough that we have to look at you!"

"Whatever do you mean, Sasuke?" Gai turned and asked him.

"Ooh, maybe he's upset because you lost the bet with Kakashi-sensei and now he cannot wear these marvellous garments!" deduced (incorrectly I might add) Lee.

"Kakashi, why do you not yield to the suffering of your student!"

"Hm? Did you say something?" hummed Kakashi before breaking into a perverted giggle.

"Curse your hipness Kakashi! Put down that book and listen to me!"

"How about no?"

Will they get to the camping site without incident or will they kill each other before they even arrive. And what will befall them if they do get there in once piece? Tag along on our camping trip from hell!


	3. Chapter 3

When going camping for any amount of time it is always very important not to forget to bring toilet paper.

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

"We have arrived!" Gai announced.

"Thank goodness, if we had to walk any further I think my legs would fall off." Sighed Shikamaru, dropping to the ground.

"That's what comes of spending most of your time lying around instead of getting proper exercise." Chided Ino, who was also tired but not so tired she'd collapse.

"I get plenty of exercise, this was just exceptionally troublesome." Snorted the chuunin. "Besides you made Chouji carry you half way here."

"Details." Sniffed the blonde.

A little way from that little scene, Asuma and Kakashi were inspecting the camping grounds.

"I think we should separate the tents. We'll put the girls on one side of the camp and the boys on the other." Asuma said.

"Is that for their protection or Sasuke's?" Kakashi asked.

"Sasuke's of course. We all know what Ino and Sakura are like." They both glanced over to where Sakura was openly staring at Sasuke; the dark-haired boy was standing around looking like the broody little S.O.B that he is. What was unusual was that Shino also appeared to be watching him with interest.

"Oi, Shino, what are you looking at?" Kiba asked his teammate.

"Sasuke is standing on a fire ant nest." Was the bland response. Surprised yelping followed.

"Run for the lake Sasuke!"

"You do realize that is not a lake but a very large hot spring, don't you?"

SPLASH

"ACK!" screamed Sasuke the hot water making the stinging from the fire ant bites even worse.

"Oh well." shrugged Kiba. "At least we know we don't have to bathe in cold water."

"Aah! Smell that fresh mountain air!" breathed Gai.

"We're nowhere near the mountains." Neji pointed out sourly.

"Aah! Smell that fresh forest air! Surely the Spirit of Youth resides here! Why don't we set up camp so that we may more thoroughly enjoy this wondrous place?"

Pitching tents should be no problem for trained shinobi. After all, on certain missions a tent may be the only housing one may have for quite a while. However, Murphy's Law of Camping #26 states "The difficulty of pitching a tent on a camping trip is inversely proportional to the ease of pitching said tent at any other time."

"OW! Did you see that? It attacked me! I was attacked by a tent!" exclaimed Naruto, who had been smacked in the face by the poles of the tent he was attempting to set up. "Die wretched contraption!"

"Why are there only five tent stakes?" muttered Shikamaru. "There are supposed to be six, where is the other one?"

"Help!" wailed Lee who was wrapped up in his tent. His flailing caused him to bump into Gai and they both ended up rolling into the undergrowth and getting wrapped up in Gai's tent in the process.

"Justice is served." Neji thought, allowing a small smirk to grace his face. The smirk became a grimace as he accidentally smacked his hand with the mallet he was using on his tent stakes. "GAH!"

"I can't read these stupid instructions!" growled Ino. "They're written in some weird foreign language!"

"Let me see." Offered TenTen. "Ino, you were holding them upside-down…"

Kakashi, because he's cool like that, had used Pre-Assembled Shelter no Jutsu to produce a tent and was now happily sitting outside of it reading Icha Icha Violence. Somewhere in Grass Country, a missing-nin was wondering what had happened to his tent.

Shino also had significantly less trouble than his comrades and was now observing the colony of fire ants Sasuke had previously disturbed. Kurenai had simply forced Asuma to set up her tent for her while she got a fire started.

It was dark by the time all the tents were set up properly and they all gathered around the fire for the first meal of their camping experience.

"Canned pork and beans?" grimaced Sakura.

"Hey, if you don't want yours can I have it?" Chouji asked.

"Oi, Naruto, give me some of your ramen." Whispered Kakashi.

"No way, you should've brought your own." Said Naruto as he slurped his curry-flavored ramen. Sometimes it paid to be a ramen-obsessed freak.

"Sasuke, do you want to share my beans with me?" cooed Ino. Sasuke blinked at her then turned to Naruto.

"Fork over the ramen, dobe."

"I'd sooner die, you bastard." Growled (not unlike a fox) Naruto and he clutched his cup of ramen possessively.

"That can be arranged."

"Sasuke eat your beans and leave Naruto alone." Said Kakashi, secretly planning to go through the blonde's pack and steal some.

After dinner everyone agreed that a bath was in order and so they trooped over to the hot spring. When they arrived however, they were presented with a small problem. They were in mixed company and the spring didn't have a partition.

"I suppose we'll have to go back and get our swimsuits." Shrugged TenTen.

"Don't be absurd, we're ninjas what's a little nudity." Said Kakashi which earned him a smack upside the head.

"Have you no shame?" growled Kurenai.

"You can't shame the shameless." Naruto said knowingly. "Believe me, I've tried."

One earth-type jutsu later and the bath was neatly separated.

"Aaaah." Chorusd the ninjas, luxuriating the warmth.

"It feels so good!" chorused the women. Several dirty-minded males on the other side of the wall desperately tried to stop their noses from bleeding. Kakashi giggled like a fool and a rock came sailing over the wall to smack him upside the head.

"I heard that!" snarled Kurenai. "You keep thinking stuff like that and I'll throw your precious book into the water!"

"Hey, where did Naruto go?" Shikamaru asked, worriedly.

"He said something about making sure the fire didn't go out." Replied Kiba.

Back at the campsite, Naruto was happily burning Gai and Lee's lederhosen as well any other pairs he could find in the Green Beast's duffel bag. "Burn foul garments of the netherworld! Burn!"

Gai and Lee spent most of the night mourning their lederhosen while everyone else privately celebrated.

"If I were you I would be grateful the rest of my clothes didn't mysteriously catch fire." Neji grunted. Truth be told he was tempted to burn Gai and Lee's spandex suits but then they would be running around naked and nobody wanted to see that.

"You are right Neji, my observant student!" boomed Gai, instantly cheering up. "One mustn't cry over burned documents! Lee, dry your eyes and be cheered by your team-mate's good news!"

"Yosh, Neji is right! We still have our very stylish suits!"

"Great, wonderful. Can we go to sleep now?" Sasuke muttered, extinguishing the fire.

"Good night Sasuke-kun." Chorused Sakura and Ino.

"Whatever."

"Sasuke-teme, you could at least be civil before bed!" chided Naruto. "Goodnight Sakura-chan!"

"Goodnight Naruto." Sighed Sakura, disappointed that Sasuke didn't wish her goodnight. "Goodnight Kakashi-sensei."

"Goodnight Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto. Goodnight Kurenai, Asuma, Gai." Said Kakashi.

"Goodnight Kakashi." Grunted Kurenai. "Goodnight Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Asuma." There was an indignant bark. "Goodnight Akamaru."

"Goodnight everyone." Whispered Hinata, crawling into her tent.

"Goodnight Hinata, Akamaru, Kurenai-sensei." Said Kiba and then after a brief pause, "oh, and goodnight to you too Shino, I guess."

"Hn. Goodnight Kurenai-sensei, Hinata, Kiba, Akamaru."

"Goodnight Shikamaru, Ino, Chouji." Said Asuma. "Goodnight Kurenai, Kakashi, Gai."

"Goodnight Asuma-sensei, goodnight Shika, goodnight Chouji."

"I told you not to call me that. Goodnight Ino, goodnight Chouji, goodnight Asuma-sensei."

"Goodnight Shikamaru, goodnight Ino, goodnight Asuma-sensei."

"Goodnight Gai-sensei! Goodnight TenTen! Goodnight Neji! Goodnight everyone!"

"Goodnight Lee! Goodnight TenTen! Goodnight Neji! Goodnight rival Kakashi! Goodnight Asuma! Goodnight Kurenai! Goodnight youthful students!"

"Must you be so loud?" Neji growled and that was the best they could hope for from Neji.

"Goodnight Neji, Goodnight Lee, Goodnight Gai-sensei. Goodnight skunk." A moment of silence and then… "SKUNK! AAAAGGGHH!"

Poor, poor TenTen. Is there a cure for skink stink? For her sake let's hope so. More camping mishaps to come, dattebayo!


	4. Chapter 4

Anybody but me think that the word "cockroach" always looks like it spelled wrong?

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

"Okay," Kurenai said. "We burned TenTen's tent and clothes, threw her in the hot spring seven times, buried her up to her neck in mud and left her for an hour, made her take another bath in the hot springs and scrub her skin with pine needles…"

"My skin is still raw from that by the way." Groused TenTen who was soaking in a barrel of hot water.

"Um…" Hinata ventured, she was widely ignored.

"…and she still smells worse than the south end of a northbound boar."

"You make it sound like I _wanted_ to be skunked."

"Silence Stinky, the daisy-fresh ones are talking now." Said Ino.

"Um…excuse me…" Hinata tried again. No dice.

"Fear not, TenTen for even though you stink to the highest heaven you are still my friend!" Lee gave her his nice guy pose. TenTen just let out an exasperated sigh.

"Does anybody have any tomato juice?" Naruto suggested. "I heard you can get rid of skunk stink by taking a bath in tomato juice."

"Don't be stupid, how can tomato juice remove skunk musk?" snorted Sasuke.

"How the hell should I know, teme? I said it was something I heard!"

"You shouldn't believe everything you hear and only half of what you read. To properly remove it we'll need hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and some dish detergent."

"We don't have any dish detergent or baking soda." Chouji pointed out.

"Then TenTen will remain malodorous."

"That is unacceptable." Said Neji.

"Lots of things are unacceptable, Hyuuga." Spat Sasuke." You of all people should know that."

"Ano…" Hinata was again ignored.

"And what right have you to speak of such things, Uchiha?"

"I have every right!" roared Sasuke and prepared to launch into the traditional my-brother-murdered-my-family rant, which will be followed up by Neji's destiny-cannot-be-denied rant.

Everyone else, sensing a full-on angst-fest coming, left Neji and Sasuke to try and out-angst each other.

"So…what do we do about Stinkerbell over there?" drawled Kakashi.

"My rival, kindly refrain from giving my students such demeaning nicknames to my students!" cried Gai.

"Set her on fire and hope the stink burns off too?"

"Kakashi!"

"Kidding, kidding…"

"Hello, still stinky here!" wailed TenTen. "And my fingers are going all pruny."

"Er…demo…" Hinata stammered.

"Hey! Hinata's trying to tell us something!" barked Kiba who finally noticed his team-mate's plight. Hinata shot him a grateful smile.

"Yes Hinata, what is it?" asked Kurenai gently.

"Umm…I…have some de-skunking spray in m..my pack."

Silence.

"YOU MEAN I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT FOR NOTHING?" shrieked TenTen.

One de-skunked TenTen later…

"Well now that TenTen doesn't smell like a barn we can deal with the other problem." Said Asuma.

"What other problem?" blinked Kurenai.

"Who is going to share their tent with TenTen."

"I wouldn't have to share if you hadn't burned it in the first place." Growled TenTen.

"If we didn't burn it the whole camp would stink." Sakura stated.

"Well the boys are completely out of the question." Gai declared.

"That goes without saying." Said Kakashi, rolling his visible eye. "TenTen's father is almost as scary as Hinata's."

"You think any girl's father is scary." Asuma pointed out.

"That's because they know what he's like." Quipped Kurenai.

"Hey now, what is this? The "Gang Up on Kakashi Hour?"" pouted Kakashi.

"Ooh, can we join in?" grinned Team 7.

After an hour of making fun of Kakashi and Kakashi's revenge on his students which is far too graphic to be mentioned here, (cough)ThousandYearsofPain(cough)pineconeversion(cough, cough) it was decided that TenTen would share a tent with Kurenai.

Over dinner (more canned pork and beans for everyone but Naruto) the gennins asked what was on tomorrow's agenda.

"Well, we thought we'd go hiking." Gai said.

"Think of something else we hiked all the way here from the village." mumbled Shikamaru.

"How can you _not_ want to go hiking!" gasped the Green Beast as if the very thought was sacrilege.

"Very easily."

"But the fresh air! The marvellous flora! The majestic fauna!"

"The sore feet. The aching muscles. Ino and Sakura."

"Eh?" That last one confused Gai.

"He means they'll complain and fight over Sasuke the whole time." Chouji explained.

"Yes it will be far less troublesome if we don't bother." Nodded Shikamaru.

"All the more reason we should go! To rekindle the burning flame of youth that you" he pointed accusingly at Kurenai, Asuma, and Kakashi. "have so negligently let be extinguished in your students!"

"Dear Yondaime-sama he's not going to let this go, is he?" sighed Asuma.

"You know Gai…" shrugged Kakashi. "I suggest we all get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

Long, stressful, and full of rocks and the occasional wayward porcupineI imagine. Heheheh. Hang around, day three of the camping trip from hell coming soon!


	5. Chapter 5

If there are no further objections we shall continue. (Not that I would stop if there were, mind you.)

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

"I spy with my eye something that is green!" said Lee.

"Gai-sensei's spandex suit." Sighed TenTen.

"Ooh! You are correct! How did you know?"

"Because every time we play this stupid game you always pick that. I spy with my eye something that is blue."

"The sky." Said Shikamaru.

They were on mile two of their ten-mile hike (five miles one way, five miles back to camp) and had been playing I Spy the whole time under the suggestion/demands/threat of temper tantrum by Maito Gai. Gai had been disgustingly exuberant the whole way and it was really getting on the nerves of those who had not accepted his weirdness or learned to ignore it entirely. Anyway, back to the game...

"I spy with my eye somebody that needs to die." Growled Sasuke who was quite fedup with the idiotic game, especially because whenever Sakura or Ino got one right they'd always pick him as the next thing (I spy with my eye someone really hawt).

"I hope he's not talking about me." Murmured Naruto.

"Ino-Pig!" Sakura blurted out.

"No way! Sasuke-kun was talking about _you_!" Ino growled.

"Why is it that when it comes to Sasuke all girls turn into idiots?" sighed Kiba. "Well…except for Hinata and TenTen anyway they're okay."

"You mean you really don't know?" blinked Shino.

"Know what?"

"I thought it was obvious that TenTen and Hinata like other people."

"Really? Who?"

"It is not my place to say."

"Oh some on, it's not like we have anything better to do!" whined Kiba. Shino glanced over at Hinata (who was turning a very interesting shade of purple) and then at TenTen (who was glaring at him and reaching for her shuriken pouch).

"I think if they wanted you to know, they would tell you."

"Nah, girls are weird like that. They never tell you anything up front and when you ask them what's wrong they say 'nothing' when they really mean 'there's something wrong but you have to guess what it is'."

"How do you know so much?"

"I have an older sister, remember."

"Ah."

"Neji? Neji, where are you!" cried TenTen. She had been so busy watching Kurenai try to kill Kakashi with his own book that she had completely forgotten about Neji.

"What? Neji is missing?" gasped Gai absolutely horrified. "Nooo! How could I let this happen?"

"Maybe he went back to camp." Suggested Naruto. "He's a such a sneaky bastard...Damn you Neji! Why didn't you take me with you!"

"He was probably abducted by enemy ninjas!" wailed TenTen.

"Don't be silly, if there were any other ninjas in the area we would have sensed them by now." Said Ino matter-of-factly. "And this is Hyuuga Neji we're talking about, nobody sneaks up on a Hyuuga."

"At the moment it doesn't matter how Neji went missing." said Kakashi.

"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" roared Gai. "My student could be in danger!"

"You didn't let me finish. I was going to say that the important thing is that we find him before it gets dark."

"Oh."

"Right then. Since this is, for all intents and purposes, a search and rescue mission each team will need one tracker. Since Gai's team's tracker is missing, they can borrow Hinata."

"If they get Hinata then I'm going to need to borrow Sakura from you." Kurenai said.

"Fair enough."

"Wait a minute my rival, doesn't that mean your team is short one member?" Gai pointed out.

"So true. Asuma, I'm borrowing Ino."

"Why Ino?" asked Asuma.

"Because Sasuke goes into must-find-and-kill-my-brother mode without the threat of fangirls looming over his head."

"Fine, but only if my team can go back to camp."

"Deal. So, Kurenai, Shino, Kiba, Akamaru and Sakura will search to the east; Gai, TenTen, Lee, and Hinata will go west; myself, Sasuke, Naruto, and Ino will run in between; and Asuma, Chouji, and Shikamaru will go back to camp and see if he's waiting there."

"What do we do if we find him?" asked Sakura.

"I'll leave that up to you, but at least give us a signal of some sort."

"Yosh! Let us begin Operation: Find Neji!" cheered Gai. "Mission, start!" And they all scattered.

Let's just leave them alone for a while and see what has become of our dear Hyuuga. Not by the river… not back at the camp…Hmmm, where could he…oh dear. Neji is being chased by what looks like an oversized boar. How the heck did this happen? Well, let's rewind a bit and see…

Neji, who had simply gone into the woods to…how to put this delicately…answer the call of Nature after neglecting to tell somebody because they'd most likely make fun of him. (Jokes about anal-retentive people anyone?) When he emerged from the foliage (feeling about ten pounds lighter) the others had left him behind. No problem, they were following a path so it would be easy to catch up, right? Wrong. A quarter of a mile up from where Neji had stopped, the path forked off into three directions and unfortunately, there weren't any tracks to follow (because a ninja leaving tracks, even while on vacation, is disgraceful).

No problem, he'd just sit there and wait until they came back, right? Wrong again for it was at that moment that a pack of wolves being chased by a rather enraged, giant wild boar came charging through. This boar could easily have been mistaken for a bear (if bears had tusks, hooves, and huge snouts). Preferring not to lower himself to fighting with animals (Naruto, Kiba and Akamaru are exceptions heheheh), he did what any overtly sensible person would do and climbed up a tree. Unfortunately this tree was already being occupied by a mountain lion that didn't want to share and he was knocked out of the branches by a powerful swipe of its paw.

Now he was in real trouble because the boar didn't care that he was not a wolf, only that he was currently stationary and coincidentally right in its path. The wolves promised to honour his sacrifice by howling at the moon over his remains tonight. And thus began the great Boar Chases the Caged Bird scene.

Now let us join one of the search parties. I think we'll start with Gai and company.

"Hinata do you see him?" asked Gai. Naturally, she was using the Byakugan to search for her wayward cousin. Granted she was hoping that they weren't the ones who found him because he probably wouldn't appreciate it.

"If we aren't the first ones to find Neji then I shall run through the forest three hundred times!" vowed Lee.

"And if Lee can't do that, then I shall do ten thousand push-ups with Kakashi on my back!"

"And if Gai-sensei can't finish the push-ups I shall kick the boulder outside our camp until tomorrow's sunset!"

"Yes and…"

TenTen twitched. Somebody had better find Neji soon because she wasn't sure how much more of this she could stand.

"Nejiiii! Where are youuuuu you broody bastaaaard!" yelled Naruto as his group rushed through their section.

"Neeeeejiiii!" Ino called out.

"Kakashi-sensei this is getting us nowhere." Sasuke complained. "Why don't you summon your ninken and let them find Neji?"

"Because we have Naruto and his kage bunshins and with all of them running around searching it seems a waste of chakra to summon the dogs." Kakashi said.

"Why do I even bother…" goaned Sasuke. "Damn you Hyuuga if you're not dead when I find you you'll wish you were."

"Akamaru and I aren't picking up his scent." Kiba announced.

"My bugs are telling me he hasn't been this way." Added Shino.

"Well then he probably didn't come this way." Said Sakura. "Maybe we should go back."

"We'll look around a bit more and then we'll go back." Kurenai said.

Neji was getting very tired of running. He was a ninja for Hokage's sake he shouldn't be running from a boar. Granted this wasn't a normal sized boar but still. Determined to put an end to this one way or another he turned around and readied himself. "You are within my field of hakke…"

BOOM! SQUEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL! CRACK! BOOM! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! WHACK, WHACK, WHACK! SQUEEAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!

"What the hell is that awful noise?" Kiba demanded.

"Let's check it out." Kurenai nodded.

The other teams had the same idea following the sounds until they all ended up in a fairly large clearing where Neji was beating the tar out of a gigantic boar carcass.

"Neji! Enough already it's dead!" cried Kurenai.

"I don't think he heard you." Kakashi said, blandly. "Oh well, who wants boar tonight?"

There was a chorus of "Me's".

The meat should be nice and tender the way Neji was wailing away on it like that. What will tomorrow bring? We'll see next update, but for now talk amongst yourselves; the topic is Itachi: Natural Disaster or Terrorist Threat" Discuss.


	6. Chapter 6

There aren't any monkeys in my country but that doesn't stop them from showing up in our folk stories (and in the government. Kidding, kidding… I love my politicians dem).

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

It was a glorious, sunny day in the forest. The birds were singing, the breeze was blowing, bears were defecating in the river (okay that's not such a glorious thing to be thinking about first thing in the morning but that doesn't make it any less true), and all is right with the world.

"Argh! It itches!"

Well almost everything.

"Hold still so I can apply this calamine lotion." Chided Kurenai. Kiba had foolishly run through a patch of poison oak and was scratching like he had fleas (or lice, or chicken pox pick your simile). He was sitting in his boxer shorts and his clothes were sitting off to one side to be washed. "I'd use rubbing alcohol but we can't risk you getting a similar case of dermatitis from something else."

Nearby, Gai was gloating over how one of _his_ students had single-handedly defeated a wild boar to which Kakashi countered that Naruto had already defeated Neji earlier so Naruto would not only have defeated the boar but in far less time. Lee was, naturally, cheering on his beloved sensei.

"There. All done. Now don't scratch Kiba or I'll hit you with a genjutsu so terrifying you'll wish you were only itching." Glared the red-eyed jounin.

"Yes'm" squeaked Kiba.

"Twenty ryou says he doesn't make it until dinner." Neji said to Sasuke, quietly.

"Heh, he won't even make it to lunch without scratching." Snorted Sasuke. "You're on."

"What are you bastards muttering about?" glared Kiba.

"Nothing, just commenting on the weather." Lied Neji.

And thus it began…

"Psst! Kiba!" Hissed Sasuke.

"What do _you_ want?" Kiba hissed back. The two of them were outside of Kiba's tent. The Inuzuka boy had been wallowing in his itchy misery watching the others play a rousing game of Moving Target (at the moment, Chouji was the target and surprising everyone with his dodging skills). Kiba loves Moving Target, especially because it gave him an opportunity to show off.

"I bet you're really itchy." Cooed Sasuke (which is very disturbing). "Go on. Scratch. Kurenai's not watching and I can always say you weren't." His voice was taking on the smoothness of silk and the sweetness of honey. "Go on. Do it. Doooo iiiit…" Kiba raised his hand to scratch his leg hypnotized by Sasuke's oh so smooth voice. "Yes…go on…just a little bit…scratch…it'll feel so good…" Just when he was about to make the first motion…

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

He was tackled from the side by…

"NEJI? WHAT THE HELL!" yelled Kiba.

Sasuke cursed under his breath. Damn you Hyuuga…

Not to be deterred, the Avenging Uchiha spent the next twenty minutes whittling a backscratcher for Kiba. Neji spotted him before he could finish and jyuukened him into submission (subsequently causing Gai to declare another victory over Kakashi for himself).

This didn't stop Sasuke as he managed to convince Naruto to put some itching powder into Kiba's clothes so the boy wouldn't be able to resist the temptation. Neji counterattacked by pushing Hinata into Naruto causing the boy to spill the powder all over both of them.

Sasuke, when half of his opening points were unsealed, captured a porcupine and sent it wandering in Kiba's direction knowing it would give the other boy ideas. Akamaru, being a dog, decided that it would be his new toy and ended up getting stuck with quills.

Sasuke contemplated transforming into a log and nonchalantly rubbing against Kiba's leg but thought better of it because if Neji caught him at it he would not only be exposed but ridiculed. Instead, he settled for getting Kiba to sit closer to the fire and let the heat do its work. He was foiled by Hinata who told the boy that the heat would only irritate his skin more.

"Dammit, at every turn, foiled by Hyuugas!" cursed Sasuke.

It was getting close to lunchtime and Neji was anticipating getting his money when… it happened.

A hungry mosquito landed on the back of Kiba's neck and, without thinking, he swatted it away and scratched the affected area. "Oh shit." Said Kiba, realizing what he'd just done.

"KIBA! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SCRATCH!" yelled Kurenai. "MAGEN: NARAKUMI NO JUTSU!"

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

"Pay up Hyuuga." Smirked Sasuke.

Yare-yare… If they thought today was bad, wait until they see what happens tomorrow.


	7. Chapter 7

Magen: Narakumi no Jutsu literally means Demonic Illusion: Hell Viewing Technique. It's classified as a D-Rank genjutsu and I remember Kakashi using it on Sakura. Seeing that it's a D-Rank jutsu (and rather effective once you have an idea what horrifies your target) I would think that Kurenai would know it being a genjutsu specialist and all.

And for further clarification the jutsu Kurenai tried to use on Itachi was Magen: Jubaku Satsu (Demonic Illusion: Tree Bind Death); or at least I think that was the one. Hmm…must check…

Final authors note: There's a Weebl and Bob reference in here. See if you can find it.

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

"All right kids, gather round it's story time!" Gai was entirely too cheerful and it was incredibly nauseating, or maybe that's just the undercooked boar meat… Whatever the cause, nobody but the jounins were looking forward to this particular camping tradition.

"This is so lame." Whined Ino.

"You're just angry because you don't know any good stories." Huffed Shikamaru.

"Says the boy who sleeps with a plushie."

"I thought we agreed never to bring that up again."

"Shikamaru's childish sleeping habits aside," Kakashi cut in before Ino could comment further. " it's customary to tell stories around the campfire and since you've had to suffer so much today Kiba, why don't you start?"

Kiba told the story of the time he visited Shino's house.

"I did not." interrupted Shino.

"You did! You totally did! Akamaru, tell them I'm not lying!" said Kiba. Akamaru yipped. "There, you see!"

"Kiba, you know you're the only one here that understands Akamaru." Naruto pointed out.

"Grr…"

"Just finish the story, Kiba. The sooner we get this over with the better." Sasuke said. "And if there are any more disturbing details like that please keep them to yourself."

"Seriously I could've lived my life perfectly well without knowing that when Shino laughs too hard bugs fly out of his nose." Muttered TenTen.

Next up was Lee who told the tale of how he met Gai which had them both in tears by the end of it. This led to Naruto telling everyone how he met Jiraiya and consequently Tsunade.

"Naruto you're either very brave or completely out of your mind." Neji said flatly when he got to the part about challenging Tsunade to a fight.

"I opt for the second one." Smirked Sasuke.

"Bastards, the both of you." Naruto shook his fist at them. Then it was Neji's turn.

Surprisingly, he _didn't_ rant about his hatred for the main house. No, he chose to rant about his distaste for Gai and Lee's behavior.

"Neji how could you!" cried Gai.

"It's not like you make it very difficult." Seethed Neji.

"Er…Ino why don't you tell the next story?" TenTen piped up, trying to diffuse the situation before it escalated.

"No way, Ino-pig is a terrible story-teller!" yelled Sakura.

"What do you know about it, Monster Forehead?" Ino yelled back. The others ignored the two while they traded insults.

"I guess I'll go next." Shrugged Shikamaru and told a boring story about a dog and dense children that kept falling into wells and getting trapped in burning barns.

"Oi, Sasuke, wake up. It's your turn." Naruto poked the raven-haired boy who scowled at him. Ino and Sakura immediately stopped arguing to listen to their idol.

"Once upon a time there was a happy family; a mother, a father, and their two sons. Everything was fine until one day, the older brother decided to kill everybody and leave his little brother as an orphan. The younger brother decided to avenge his family and so spent many years making himself stronger until finally, he hunted down and killed his bastard brother, restarted his clan, and lived happily ever after. The End."

"Sasuke that was depressing." Kurenai said.

"Too bad. Chouji, your turn."

Instead of a story, Chouji gave an account of the best restaurants in Konoha. He and Naruto then got into an argument over which was better: Ichiraku Ramen or Pai Ming's Korean Barbecue.

Hinata was too embarrassed to tell a story and Shino outright refused so Kurenai told the story of her jounin exam. This led to Asuma asking when Shikamaru planned to take the exam.

"Aren't you getting ahead of yourself, Asuma? He just made chuunin." Kakashi said.

"Don't underestimate my student!"

"All right, enough about that." Kurenai said. "It's TenTen's turn."

TenTen's story was about a swordsman who is on a quest to become the greatest in the world. Along the way he meets a bunch of people who eventually become his friends and they travel the land together and help each other fulfil their dreams.

"That sounds a lot like us." Naruto said.

"If that's the case then Sasuke's just like the main character, Bantaro!" sighed Sakura.

"No way, Sasuke's nowhere near as friendly." TenTen pointed out. "He's more like Ranmaru the sorcerer."

"You think so, I think Neji's more of a Ranmaru."

"No, Neji's a Hotsuma."

"Well in that case, who's Bantaro?" Ino huffed.

"Naruto of course."

"No way!" chorused Sakura and Ino.

"Actually," Shino said, causing everyone to get really quiet. "the way Naruto's always going on and on about being Hokage is just like how Bantaro is always saying he's going to be the greatest swordsman in the world."

"Maybe, but Naruto's nowhere near as cool as Bantaro." Ino said, stubbornly.

"What do you mean I'm 'nowhere near as cool as Bantaro!'" yelled Naruto. "I'm ten times cooler than some made-up guy!"

"Sheesh, why are you all getting so worked up, it's just a story." Snorted Shikamaru.

"Heheh, Shikamaru sounds like Nagi…" snickered Kiba.

"Shut up."

"Anyway…" coughed Asuma. "whose turn is it?"

Five minutes later…

Kakashi was floored by a rock courtesy of Kurenai.

"Stop, stop, stop! That's too much information!" she yelled. The story had started out normal enough; boy is on a journey to make his fortune in the world, boy meets another boy who accompanies him, boys rescue girl, boys fight over girl, one boy loses out. Then Kakashi's story took a turn for the perverse and he had to be stopped before innocent minds (Lee and Hinata) were corrupted.

"Too much…" drawled the copy-nin. "or too sexy?"

"TOO MUCH!" yelled everyone except Asuma, Hinata, Lee, and Shino (Hinata and Lee had their ears covered by Kiba and Gai when Kakashi had started to get perverted and had no idea what the big deal was).

"Kakashi stop screwing around and tell a proper story." Grunted Asuma not the least bit put off by his fellow instructor's antics.

"But this is a proper story." Blinked Kakashi.

"An appropriate story then."

"Appropriate?"

"One that can't be mistaken for porn."

"If you're good, _any_ story can be mistaken for porn." Leered Kakashi. No one had a response for that.

It's true though. A friend of mine has this way of reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears out loud that makes you all hot and bothered; and don't get me started on how he reads Little Red Riding Hood… (shudders) Ugh, I feel dirty just thinking about it. Also, that last conversation between Asuma and Kakashi is one I've had with the aforementioned friend.


	8. Chapter 8

No, I'm not going to record my friend reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears stop emailing me about it. Also, I apologize for the lack of hilarity in this chapter (shifty-eyed look).

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
by Kaori

"Ah! What a glorious day to be alive!" sighed Gai, as he stretched outside of his tent. Today the jounins and the twelve disciples (man do I love calling them that) were going swimming.

Once again they had to march to their destination and once again (because the author loves writing song parodies) they were singing.

"As we march to a tributary,  
We have some crazy folks in tow." Sang Chouji.

"As we march to a tributary,  
With the weirdoes that we know." Ino chimed in.

"Gai-sensei's a fairy." Kiba grinned.

"Kakashi is a perv." TenTen nodded.

"Asuma smells like an ashtray." Added Naruto.

"And they get on Kurenai's nerves." They all chorused.

"Why is it that they only sing insulting things." Muttered Asuma.

"Get over it, you used to do the same thing." Kakashi said. "And I seem to remember the stuff you came up with being far worse."

"You mean the one about Raido and the…"

"I don't want to hear it!" Kurenai yelled.

"Oh come on, that one is mild compared to the one about salamanders and…"

"I said I didn't want to hear it!"

"What I don't understand is why they keep singing that we're going to a tributary when we're going to a lake." Gai muttered.

Back to the teenagers…

"Gai-sensei is not a fairy!" Lee protested hotly. "Why must you sing such awful things?"

"It's the only thing that rhymes with tributary that makes sense." Said Sasuke. "I don't hear Neji and TenTen disagreeing."

"Neji, TenTen! Stand up for Gai-sensei!"

"But Lee, you're doing such a good job all on your own." Neji said mildly.

"When Sasuke sees me in my swimsuit he will be mesmerized by my infinite beauty." Sighed Ino.

"Dream on." Snorted Sakura. "All he'll notice is how big your thighs are, be instantly repulsed by you and leap into my arms for comfort."

"Now who's dreaming? I'll bet Sasuke is repulsed by the size of your forehead every day!"

"There they go again." Sighed Shikamaru. "It's so troublesome."

"Look at it this way, if they're too busy yelling at each other they can't yell at us." Said Chouji.

"Good point."

The lake was a beautiful azure. Light glistened off of its surface like a high-polished jewel. The campers stared at the pristine magnificence before Gai had to ruin the moment by bellowing "Last one in has to hunt dinner!" before using Quick Change no Jutsu to switch into a Speedo (MY EYES! THEY BURN!) and rushing towards the lake.

Still in shock from the horror of Maito Gai in a Speedo the others could only watch as he dove into the water, only to come flying back out when an alligator almost snapped his legs off. Neji cursed under his breath.

"It would appear," Kakashi said blandly. "that the first one in almost became dinner."

"Gai-sensei are you okay?" wailed Lee.

"I am fine Lee." Gai assured his student. "Although it would have been nice to have some warning that this lake is infested with alligators." The Hyuuga prodigy twitched and cast a furtive glance at the "Beware of Alligators" sign he was standing in front of.

"Well it looks like we can't go swimming, but we can still have fun, right?" said Kurenai. As if to answer her question there was a rumble of thunder. The assembled ninjas looked at each other and it started to rain. "Kakashi, if you would…"

"Of course." Sasuke watched as Kakashi made the handseals and then. "Pre-Assembled Shelter no Jutsu!" Somewhere in Snow Country, a Stone jounin is wondering what happened to the cabin he was staying in.

"The jutsu creates buildings out of thin air?" Sasuke was amazed.

"No, it takes them from somewhere else." Kakashi replied. "Think of it like a summoning."

"My rival how can you go about stealing other people's houses?" demanded Gai.

"I'm not stealing, I'm borrowing with no intention of returning."

After exploring the cabin and finding only canned pork and beans (what is it with me and pork and beans?) and a deck of cards, the ninjas settled down for a rousing game of Suna Tanuki Procreation.

For those of you who are curious, this has the same rules as Egyptian Ratscrew with the only differences being that you bury the cards instead of burning them if you slap triple six, and hovering your hand above the pile of cards will get it pinned to the table with a kunai if you're not quick. Everything else is the same, including the tendency for the game to get out of hand.

Oh it had started out normal enough (if you don't count Gai and Kakashi doing the rivalry shtick) but when Akamaru slapped a pair of Jacks and entered the game things started to get decidedly more…interesting.

Shikamaru kept using Kagemane no Jutsu to keep people from slapping pairs before he could whenever the pile got large enough that he would be close to winning. Naruto would steal from Shikamaru's pile when the chuunin wasn't looking and Kakashi would in turn steal cards from Naruto. Neji got fed up with Shikamaru and closed the tenketsu on the shadow user's arms and then enjoyed himself a little too much "accidentally" slapping other people's hands when they went to slap the pile. Sasuke soon got tired of this and the two got into a fight. Kiba found the fight more interesting than the card game and kept egging them on.

It wasn't long before Naruto noticed Kakashi was stealing cards from him and used Oiroke no Jutsu in retaliation causing every male in the room with the exception of Neji, Sasuke, and Kiba (who were preoccupied) to pass out from explosive blood loss. The women, annoyed, beat the crap out of Naruto. Well, except Hinata and Kurenai who quietly started a game of Hokage (the Konoha equivalent of Rich Man, Poor Man) with Akamaru.

It was three hours before it finally stopped raining and they all made the trek back to camp only to find…

Find what? Find what? You frantically cry! Well you'll have to wait to find out. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Season's Greetings to all!


	9. Chapter 9

Find the MegaTokyo reference in this story and win absolutely nothing. Now put away the fruitcake! It's time for more of…

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

"ITACHI! DIE!" howled Sasuke, losing all rational sense and launching himself at the cloaked figure near his tent. Kurenai looked horrified.

"Sasuke, wait a minute that's a…"

"ROAR!" went 'Itachi'.

"AAAAGHHH!" screamed Sasuke.

"…Genjutsu. Never mind." Kurenai sighed as the poor boy got mauled by what is now revealed to be a fine specimen of ursus thibetanus japonica, or for those of you who didn't take zoology, a Japanese black bear.

Predictably, Sakura and Ino were cheering on Sasuke as he defended himself from his ursine opponent. Everyone else was far more concerned with why someone would bother putting a genjutsu on a bear and why would they let it loose in their camp.

Elsewhere, Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame were making their way through the forest.

"Itachi, why the hell did you use that genjutsu? Now whoever was at that camp will come looking for us." Said Kisame. Itachi smirked.

"My foolish little brother is camping there. I thought I'd leave him a gift. Sasuke used to like teddy bears…" the Uchiha gave a wistful sigh.

"Sometimes you worry me, Itachi…"

Meanwhile, Sasuke was having more trouble with the bear than he should have and this was confusing the heck out of everybody else.

"Is it just me, or is that bear kicking Sasuke's ass?" said Kiba.

"No way! Sasuke-kun would never lose to some mangy bear!" Ino huffed. Apparently the bear heard her. "Oh shit…" Sasuke could only watch in an odd mix of relief, horror, and amusement as the bear made its way towards Ino.

"But seriously Itachi," Kisame continued. "siccing a bear on your brother is one thing. Hypnotising a Rain-nin into thinking he's a bear, putting him in a costume, using a genjutsu to make him look like you, and _then_ siccing him on your brother is just…wong."

"For who? The missing-nin or my brother?" asked Itachi.

"Itachi… you are a very scary person if you even have to ask that question."

Back at the camp the shinobi, after watching Ino get chased around for twenty minutes, managed to successfully tree the bear.

"We can't kill it." Asuma said matter-of-factly. "It's an offence to hunt bears out of season and the last thing I want is to be fined."

"Who's going to know?" shrugged Kiba.

"Trust me, there are Hunter-nin specially trained to track down and collect fines for people who hunt out of season, especially if you have no intention of eating what you killed. It doesn't matter if you think no one is around, somehow they always know."

"Speaking from experience?" Kurenai teased.

"Hush you, or do you want me to recount your adventures with the Ninja IRS?"

"There's a Ninja IRS?" Neji looked horrified.

"Of course, youth does not exempt one from taxes." Gai said. "Well, up to a certain point anyway." He coughed.

"Whatever, I still say we should kill the bear." Sasuke said. Shino looked at him askance.

"You only want to kill the bear because you made a fool out of yourself."

"Shut up Shino."

"So how long is that guy going to keep thinking he's a bear?" Kisame asked. Itach didn't say anything for a while and then…

"You know," he said slowly. "I'm not entirely sure. Anywhere between five minutes and five days I think."

"Itachi…" groaned Kisame.

Now there are a few things you should know about hypnotism. The first thing is in order for it to work the person has to be susceptible to it and that they don't fight you while you're doing it. A hypnotized person is usually fully aware of what they are doing but are either unable or unwilling to stop themselves. You can't make a hypnotized person do anything they wouldn't do normally (hypnotised drunks on the other hand are another can of soup entirely. A person that is both drunk and hypnotised will do _anything_). Lastly, never hypnotise anyone who has mental problems unless you are a trained psychiatrist.

Itachi had no way of knowing that the Rain-nin he had hypnotized was suffering from a very strange case of clinical lycanthropy; basically he believed that every once and a while he'd turn into a forest animal. Last week he was a squirrel and his family had to stop him from burying kunai in the forest and climbing trees. However, just because he thinks he's an animal doesn't mean his body doesn't know he isn't; after all, what else is shinobi training good for if not for honing reflexes?

Several shuriken rained down on the shinobi on the ground.

"The hell! The bear's a ninja?" cried Naruto.

"_Now_ can we kill it?" Sasuke hissed.

"No. Now we have to capture it." Said Kakashi. "If it's a summon it will disappear on its own but if it's been trained we have to capture it and bring it back to Konoha for examination."

"Capture the Bear..." Snorted Neji.

"At least it's not Capture the Beer." Sighed TenTen. "You remember when Anko-san dragged us along on that mission?"

"Ugh, don't remind me. It took hours to get Lee even half sober."

"Less talking more bear wrangling!" yelled Ino.

Twenty minutes later they still had not caught the ninja bear.

"Damn, that bear is fast." Panted Kiba.

"We need a plan." Huffed Sakura. "Shikamaru…"

"What?" snapped the chuunin.

"You're the idea man, think of something!"

"Hey, leave Shika alone! Why don't you use that big forehead of yours to think of something!" barked Ino.

"Shut up Ino-pig!"

"How troublesome…" sighed Shikamaru. "Lee and Kiba, distract the bear. Naruto use your kage bunshins to box it in, the rest of you help him out. I'll use kagemane and hold it still and Ino use your shintenshin to control the bear. Everybody got it?"

There was a chorus of "Hai's".

"Let's go!"

Back with Itachi and Kisame.

"Is there anything else you did back there that I should know about?" glared Kisame. Itachi just gave him a slow smirk.

Ino managed to successfully infiltrate the mind of their captive. "Umm…guys…" she ventured.

"Woah, that bear can talk, too?" gaped Chouji.

"Err…funny thing about that. It's not really a bear, just some guy from Rain that thinks he's a bear."

"Well, can you snap him out of it?" Asuma asked.

"I'll try…" there was a pause. "Okay now that's really weird."

"What is?"

"Umm…Sasuke, there's a mental note for you in here."

"A mental note?" blinked Sasuke.

"Yeah, it says 'Did you have fun playing with teddy?'"

Itachi smirked wickedly as he heard his brother's enraged screaming.

I had to include bears in here somehow, but I also needed a really demented and roundabout way of doing it. Did I succeed?


	10. Chapter 10

Happy New Year one and all! Here we are at the final chapter of… - does a double-take - Hey, you over there! Yes, you with the cookies! I see you! Don't think you can sit there eating cookies and not give me any! Come now, free up the chocolate chip!

The Shinobi's Guide to Camping  
By Kaori

Ironically, the unfortunate ninja from Amegakure just happened to be named Ted and needless to say he was unequivocally embarrassed after he'd come back to himself. But that's neither here nor there as he is no longer among our little group of (un)happy campers.

"Oh how I am going to miss this place." Sobbed Lee as he took down his tent. Sakura frowned and turned to TenTen.

"Please tell me he's joking." TenTen shook her head.

"Lee seldom jokes and when he does, they're almost always really lame puns."

"I say we throw him in the hot spring." Suggested Ino.

"Correct me if I'm wrong but won't that cause the suit to shrink?" Sakura asked.

"Only one way to find out…"

Two minutes later…

"That was cruel you guys." Kiba remarked.

"He's going to be walking funny for a week." Winced Sasuke.

"Well how were we supposed to know it would ride up like that?" shrugged Ino. "If he had any sense at all he would wear non-shrink spandex."

"With any luck he won't be able to breed now." Neji deadpanned, content to watch Lee wailing in agony as Gai futilely tried to comfort him.

"Neji…" groaned the other boys.

"Oh please." A slow smirk spread across his face. "You know I only said what you were thinking."

"Hey, Lee…" Sakura ventured since it was mostly her fault the poor boy had gotten the Wedgie from Hell. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Fear not oh beauteous Sakura-chan!" squeaked Lee. "For even now your Lee is being healed by your kind words! Allow me to thank you with some poetry; although pretty words fail in comparison to you!" And with that he began to recite all 126 of Shakespeare's Sonnets in order.

"Oh Hell no, he is not reciting poetry to me that was written by a man to another man!" (more interesting literature trivia for you) Inner Sakura raged while Sakura just tried to grin and bear it. Ino, who was also aware of the nature of the poem, snickered softly in the background.

Bored with the turn of events, Neji turned his attention to Kakashi and his seemingly never-ending backpack.

Nobody had seen the jounin unpack the thing when they had arrived, but the Hyuuga was almost positive there was no way he could've gotten Icha Icha Paradise Volumes 1 through 86 in there along with his bedroll, extra clothing, canteen, and several things that are too scary to mention here; never mind carrying it all the way out here. But there he was casually chucking things into the backpack haphazardly and none of the things had fallen out and not a single item was visible. How was he doing it?

Kakashi had noticed the attention right away and was secretly amused. Neji could watch him all he wanted and he'd never figure out what was happening. Hammerspace no Jutsu is very useful…

Kurenai was packing her things the old fashioned way: folding everything up neatly and then jumping up and down on her pack to make everything fit. She'd steal glances at the other girls' perfectly packed backpacks and rued the day she ditched lessons that one day they were teaching Packing no Jutsu.

Once everyone was more or less packed, it was time to leave.

"Since Lee still cannot walk, one of you will have to carry him." Gai announced, waving expansively at the boys who grimaced.

"Like hell he can't." Shikamaru half snarled and forced Lee to follow him via Kagemane, which was probably very painful so we'll drown out he's pained screams with some singing.

"Sleeping on the ground is painful

'Cause it's littered with pinecones.

Give me soft beds and wholesome meals

There's no place like home."

"Ichiraku how I've longed for you!" cried Naruto once they were inside the gates. He wasn't the only one who was relieved but no one was more relieved than Lee since now he could get some medical attention. Gai was all too eager to carry him to the hospital on his back.

"Let's promise to never do this again." Shikamaru said solemnly. The others nodded in silent agreement and went their separate ways.

Ah keeping such a promise is going to be difficult and as my mother used to say "don't make promises you can't keep." But for the time being, they can put this little incident behind them. After all, tomorrow is the today your grandparents warned you about yesterday.


End file.
